This is Not What They Were Going to Tell You

This started as an intellectual legal defense for the standard interrogation enhancement of choice for the diplomat on the move. But I went from writers block to comedy. Now it's trash.

Christopher Hitchens volunteered to be waterboarded so he could testify that it was torture. As you can see in slide 2, his mind had already been made up. They didn't need any life-or-death answers from this guy. They needed to protect their sources, while they tried an experiment to watch everybody. But waterboarding is not torture, and banning it caused more damage than the surveillance state can afford without it.

Torture causes irreversible scarring, such as PTSD, or phobia: "an irrational fear or hatred." Fear of water, or hydrophobia, also known as rabies, is fatal without exception. There are plenty of other international laws being violated all over the world, but we have to let foreigners run the investigation because some idiot peed on a crucifix? It came up.

In Exodus 32:20, Moses "made the children of Israel drink of it." He smashed the tablets with God's laws, because this was war, not peace, and he got some answers.

It's in the Bible. You can't ban Christians and Jews from waterboarding without a formal declaration of war. It's all about who's backing you for certain contractual fulfillment. If we don't have the blessing of certain parties, it means we're not expected to reward their investment. But I found out they've been culling Christians since Vietnam, and how, and why, and how to fix it. So they'll back us.

The problem then returns to the inability to reconcile freedom of the press since Vietnam. And there's a number of things we can do to make the Free Press Index more useful in gauging the strength of global democracies. The press demands exclusivity, not transparency. They want to sit behind the door gunner. And that works for us because as long as there's skin in the game, jurisdictional red tape can be reconciled or avoided altogether if a press license identifies a leak or any factor which might endanger their journalist within their power to control.

But the media went corporate after Vietnam, and some our enemies don't like it when you talk about where your paycheck comes from. So they've been competing for foreign sponsors more than the marketplace upon whose protections they rely. Eventually it's an uphill battle, it becomes a race in the other direction. They're not welcome in Desert Shield, they have to green screen their war correspondence. Heck with this, let's just put a wad of paper in the door at the Pentagon so we can sneak in and watch the war from there. But corporate often overlooks some important considerations if the plan is just to see the other guy fold. If they don't want to fix it, their exit strategy must be written in Chinese.

If that's not what happened, who told you?

Bradley Manning spent 15 years in the brig for uploading a mobile server with 60 years of classified data to Julian Assange. There's no way he had the authority to deploy that asset, even his captain would have needed at least a colonel. For what? In case I need to look up the Korean War?

My thing is you can't knock down three towers that size with two planes that size and call it the official story. They said it was an inside job, and that could mean a lot of things. What's the prison sentence for planting evidence at an attack on the Pentagon? How much jet fuel does it take to melt steel beams? I don't know. How much paper did it take to melt building 7?

So the official story was published with malice. It was meant to be degrading.

And you can't ban waterboarding without a formal declaration of war. I know they declared war, but you can't ban us from waterboarding without you declaring war, which means we ain't gotta listen anyway. You're bad guys.

I hope to put everything I know into a book that makes Army Rangers go "ah, I see. That explains everything within the limits of tactical considerations."

But how was I supposed to know they were raping little boys in surgery, pretending to negotiate, calling them liars and changing the subject until they shoot up a school since Vietnam? 

I'm not signing. Have you seen these guys? It's the gay revolution and Boko Haram with some Khmer Rogue just to spice things up. I was going through the motions, trying to see what the hell these people wanted all these years, and they sprung a trap. They thought they could kill me before I found out they were here on a "Shanksville PA" visa, for a blowjob. I tried to subpoena the hospital but some homos got to the lawyer, I had to look into it, certain things came up in context, I've been trying to turn it over for 9 years.

How are you going to control it if you don't get a subpoena? Am I supposed to write to you? Hey just a heads-up, some cannibal warlords are taking over your protection. Don't die.

They could have buttoned it up with no further involvement from me. Send me a check for the inconvenience, I'm starting a family. They wanted to play Muslim games. So I made sure what it wasn't, came back and they were using the love of my life against DoD. They never did get me for something they had already spent. Got tired of waiting. Did it themselves.

You wake up on a train. There's a guy dressed like you. He hasn't noticed you. Take a picture or snap his neck?

They think they can just rip us off and wait us out until we can't speak to it before they prove it. Put some guy dressed like me in the frame, turn around and tell Washington we're traveling together.

How much do you think I owe? How much are you worth? Protect me from the CIA?

You're protecting me from the Department of State? My son from a blowjob 25 years ago? I'm a father? You can get a Creole girl pregnant in her mouth and have a son all the way in Haiti 20 years later. They just need time to work on you first, come up with excuses not to say it to your face.

So the people helping them can go to prison too, if they want. What are you, stupid? I've been saying you can't ban waterboarding for 20 years, they're acting like they can sign me up for the Martians, kill me before I find out, and stall me for another 9 years? 2 separate years locked up without a trial, whether I did it or not? For a blowjob 25 years ago. Protect me from the CIA? More like postpone your own rocketship.

Binding arbitration in crimes against the state? So I'm the president? You can't ban waterboarding. King Charles is fine with it. He's a king. He doesn't give a fuck about you. He wants answers. I'm the heavyweight waterboarding champion of the world. They thought I wanted to join their no waterboard havin' ass, with the Templars right there. Deus vult.